VivaMayr - A Note From The Witch Doctor

By Peter Brooker, July 2024, from the VIVAMAYR Medical Health Resort, Maria Wörth, Austria.

Day one

"What is this place?" I make some cursory remarks.
"Don't be ungrateful, not everyone gets to do this," says the missus as the taxi departs.
Welcome to hell. Turn off your phone.
"CHECKING IN SIR? I'll take those bags under your eyes, I can tell you're unwell."
In the clinic they promise to replenish your body,
but already I can tell the lime scented soap has been watered down.
The bed is too tough, the towels are too rough.
The witch doctor's lovely, and she can't get enough,
of shoving things up my nose and things up my arse.

Day two

Results shows I'm not the sum of my parts.
They lower me into the tub. "Time for your seaweed scrub sir."

Day three

It’s humous for breakfast.
Humous for lunch.
Humous for tea.
It's herbal tea for dessert followed by a nap under the locust tree.

Anastasia & Pete, chillin' with herbal tea in the evening sun

Day four

I'm bitten to fuck and I can't sleep.
The couch is too rough, the carpet's too scuffed.
The witch doctor's lovely, and she's shoveling powdery stuff,
onto my tongue whilst I power down my batteries.

Day five

My race is run, how I long for a beer.
"Where am I?" I ask, the doctor now holding a hose up my arse.
"You're in supermodel reboot re-centre. Naomi Campbell was just here."

Pete's very own Wilde & Harte Osterley Safety Razor at Wörthersee Lake, Austria

Day six

This way sir, it’s a cryo-freeze day. Follow me please.
It's minus 110 degrees.
The witch doctor uses this every day, to warm up after a swim in the icy-lake.
You won't need a coffee to help you feel awake.
But I'm so sleep deprived,
I lay flat on the balcony just as the storm arrives.

Cryo Freeze! Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Day seven

"Checking out sir?" You can turn on your phone.
"Some herbal tea for the road, some powder for the plane home?
A make your-own humous cook book, a supermodel look book?"
"Some lime scented soap? You just have to ask."
"Some face-grater towels? some hose for your arse?"
I'm emaciated, fully exfoliated, and not at all appreciative.
This ethics of this practice I fully reject.
"Don't be ungrateful, not everyone gets to do this," says the missus as the taxi comes to collect.

 

About the author

Peter Brooker is the co-author of From Tailors With Love an Evolution of Menswear Through the Bond Films and is also Editor-in-Chief of From Tailors With Love, a blog, vlog and podcast dedicated to men’s costumes and cinematic style.

Follow Pete on Instagram: @therewillbebond (over 22k followers)

Follow Wilde & Harte on Instagram: @wildeandharte (2k followers)

Above: Pete with his Osterley Safety Razor.